I thought.        You.    were. gone.

You’re.

Darkness.

stabbing.

seeping.

saturating.

You’re.

Darkness.

clouding

crowding.

crushing.

Engorging.      You.    have. taken. hold.

I don't want to to break you. I don't want to break me.

If I touch you. Will you crumble? In my hands? Will you disappear? Will I?

I've barely gotten to see your soul. Will you leave this soon?

If I slow down...my heart...it stops beating.

My body...it will wither and die. The lion’s strength is only grounded in her fight to protect the weak. Tears will only blur her nightly watch.

Never free to run alone. Living for the life of others. Burdened by the weight of another.

Wanting to run away.

I tied myself to your mast and got swept away.

Will I ever live?

Impregnated with more than just a child, her mind is full of the life ahead. She sits on the grey cement porch step. A black t-shirt, frayed cut-off  shorts, and years that belong to a much older soul. Matter of factually she will talk about her difficult life as though it has easily slipped off of her icy back, but inside she is a million broken pieces swept up and thrown away into the deep cavity of her heart. Hidden for so long, no one would recognize her broken frame if she emerged from the dark places. She knows that the pieces cannot be returned to their original place. They must be used to make something new. Something different. Not what it was. Not what it should have been. Something. Entirely. Different.

Your hand within my reach,
might as well be a million miles away.
Your voice so clear,
but sounds so distant
A wall stands between us,
it will never be broken down.
I kick and scream at the barrier,
which keeps me from you.
You will always replace the bricks I remove.

Sweating,
It runs down her neck and chest.
Soaking,
The light fabric of her dress.
Pounding,
At the hard dry dirt, that coats her feet and legs.
Heating,
The summer sun, it feels like a hot lover on her dark skin.
Enticed,
The cool water across the way.
Her body,
Aching to be engulfed.
Pausing,
She lifts her face upward to the sun.
Smiling,
She thrives in the heat.
Pulsing,
Through her body.
Removing,
Her damp-clinging dress.
Loosing,
Herself in the water and Sun.

Sexual

Conservative

Free       Loving  

Erotic    

Invested

Controlled

Lost

Moving

Trusting

Searching

Looking

Excited

Longing

Documenting

Laughing

Sighing

Wishing

Wanting

Desiring

Passionate

Letting go

Holding tight

Paradox

Never beautiful enough.  Never perfect enough.

For you.

skin not smooth enough. muscles not tone enough.

For you.

No mask.

For you.

Chocolate eyes, tangled hair, brown skin.

Not for you.

This feels like driving away with the breeze on my face and moving through my hair.

I’m not running away but just making a change; going in a different direction.

I want to find new people and see new things. I want to make new choices and lead a new life.

I can’t wait to touch your hand and look into your eyes. I can’t wait to feel the comfort of being under your gaze and surrounded by your touch.

I don’t want to struggle. I don’t want to worry. I want to drop the weight and leave it all behind. This is peace.

I want to lie and laugh in the sun with you at my side.  Not speaking a word but communicating loud and clear.

Where is my story? Will it be written before it is over? Will it be told before it ends? Will it start before the finish?

I am scared. I do not have the strength to make it. The pit is deep. I need to be in the light.

I miss you.

I cannot see you. Encased in my heart, you are buried deep. I can only feel it beat when I am with you on your hillside. Only with you is it okay. In the scratchy grass, I sit and wait. Running my fingers across the cool metal plate reminds me of what will never be fulfilled. The fields are below and the mountains beyond. They are our mountains. I see your flowers are carried away in the wind and I hear the chime in the tree.  

I just want to touch you once. I just want to feel you once.

Like paint splattered in the wind you run across my heart. I only get the drops. I only get what is left over of the life and color. The afterthought.

I won’t drive you away.

To keep you is pain. To let you go is pain. You can’t ever be what I really need. What I really want. I still want you.

No. It is about doing the right thing. It is about making the choice. It isn't about the desire. It isn't about the wish. It isn't about the want. The Hes and Shes, they prosper. The rest, they don’t. It doesn't end.  It never changes. Telling so much. But not. The request to be vulnerable. But making it impossible. She can’t be strong. So another will be. Another will walk away. Another will leave you behind. Because she can’t. Knowing. Understanding. Why do you have to be so strong?  It's the lie all over again. Watching it again. All over.

Memories and dreams. How easily
they are repainted in a new light with
new colors. Erasing what is wished to
be forgotten. Bending and twisting
shape and form to make something
new from something old. Seeing now
that recreating what was lost is not so
difficult. But void can not be erased or
covered. Pure emptiness remains.
Reminding of what once was and can
never be forgotten.

Chasing through the tall meadow grass

Dancing on the lake

Watching the jumping fish

The lapping of the water and my feet

The cool dark sand underneath my toes

A fresh cup of coffee and a lounge chair in the sand

Silence. Alone. Solitude.

Only then can I breathe.

But why then--do I feel so empty.

Why do I long to have you at my side?

Touching my hand and feeling by heart

Breathe in…..Breathe out

Breathe in….Breathe out

Can you feel it?

Do you see it?

The cold chill of winter

There is purple on the snow and the lake is frozen

I see you and you see me and we are enraptured

I feel the fantasy of a strange and mystical world

Circling around our bodies

There is quiet in the midst of chaos.

What did I miss? Where did you go?

Let me keep the illusion of a moment in time.

But She is strong.

Her jaw is set by hardship and she will not back down.

She will not be captured.

She will not be tamed.

Run with her

Look at her and you will see

Her browned skin tangled hair and deep eyes

Her legs are strong but are no match for her mind

Drowning. to keep another afloat.

Clinging. to keep another from falling.

Desperate. to. save. their. souls.

Success. to relinquish this life.

tried with. toyed with. you don’t see me. you only see you.

saying i’m free. you hold me down.

love me. lie to me. it’s all the same.

I take my own hand. I hold my own heart. I give life to myself.

It is deep in my belly
I can no longer contain it
My body aches for the expression. the release.
Pushing through my skin
Desperate to be free
The fluid movements of passion control my limbs.
Control my thoughts. My body.
The Fire, it escapes from my depths
Bursting from my every being

To crawl inside your skin. To See through your eyes. To Listen through your ears. To Touch through your hands. To Know your thoughts and Why. Talk. I'll listen. Just to hear the sound of your voice. my lips are silent with anticipation. the beating of my heart is the only sound I make. I see the shell but it is what is underneath that i truly desire. I am grasping for a door, a window, a crack to see. Just a small glimpse of the wonder and beauty inside. But I cannot find it. I am here. You are there. Like swings moving out of sink quickly gliding past with only a blur to reveal who you are.

Running barefoot in the cool green grass. Her pale skirt flowing behind her thin legs. She reaches for the twinkling lights that bounce off her skin and hair. She laughs with the moonlight as they dance together in the siren summer night. Strands of hair falling in her face as she smiles with a joy that breaks the iciest of hearts.